The sundress

I was working as a waiter in a pizzeria where the work used to finish at 11 o’clock.  After work, I used to go home by bus, which was always crowded.

That day coincided with the “Sasna tsrer” action when people were blocking the streets and walking to Khorenatsi street. The streets were crowded, and everyone was excited. We decided to join the movement with the employees. That day, I wore a long “sundress”, which was made of very thin fabric, and had a slightly wide opening in the breast area, but not too much. After walking and finishing the action, which was already after midnight, I got on the bus, I was standing tiredly in the transport and impatiently waited for when I would arrive home. 

Suddenly I felt that some hand was sliding over my body, it seemed to me that it was just someone who passed by me and did not touch me on purpose. I moved a little from my place and felt that someone was holding my butt tightly and caressing it.

I froze in fear. I clenched my fist tightly and froze at my place, I could not move.  I moved a little from my place, hoping that he would sober up, but after I moved, he squeezed his hand more firmly. I could feel his breathing, which was getting faster and faster, I could feel how my heart was weakening with disgust. 

I got tired of standing still, so I decided to move and shout and scream. I turned my head and at the same moment, standing at the other end of the bus, I saw one of my acquaintances, whom I had seen years ago and I was even surprised how I recognized him. In fact, I was afraid that if I made a noise, he would notice me, recognize me, and tell our acquaintances, who mostly live in the region where I came from, and would do it to embarrass me because we didn’t have a particularly good attitude towards each other. 

I just kept quiet and held my breath, a noise started in my ears until that animal got off the bus. Only after getting off, I realized that it was only one stop, but for me, time had just stopped.  

The feeling of disgust remained from all that, I just kept silent, after living through it for a few days, I simply forgot, as if nothing like this had happened, but I only felt disgusted: I couldn’t look in the mirror. I never wore those clothes again, but I still keep them, and even if I wear them indoors in the heat, I feel extremely ugly and vulgar.

It seemed to me that years later I would be able to protect myself and others from such a thing, but once I noticed that something similar was happening to the girl next to me. I froze, I was shouting in my mind, pushing, pulling that animal, but in reality, I managed to pull aside a little so that the girl could change the place and that’s it. 

Years have passed since that incident, but until now I have an unbearable fear of appearing in transport, I am always anxious when I am in transport, I glance over all the existing and new passengers to find a potential abuser or notice abuse, and it just doesn’t go away.

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